We can rebuild him, we have the technology
"Yao Ming had broken down; his bones cracking under the weight of his 7-foot-6, 300 pound body and from the lofty expectations placed on him by his country and the city of Houston. His body finally couldn't take it anymore, and as the injuries piled up, there was talk that he might never step foot on an NBA court again.
That's when Rockets' GM Daryl Morey stepped in and said "bring in the scientists."
Driven by his belief that the Rockets' championship window was still open, Morey assembled a team of the world's top scientists, engineers, and robotics specialists and gave them one task: Get Yao back on the court, no matter the cost. The fate of a franchise and its relationship with a foreign power depended on it.
So the team worked night and day, exhausting every resource they had. They combined elements from other machines and human beings, creating a hodgepodge of features in their Ultimate Player: Shaq's girth, the robotic arms of Jax from Mortal Kombat, Tracy McGrady's lazy eye.
The result was Mecha-Yao. And NBA teams are quickly taking notice."
Beer Pong, now with a full-ride scholarship
"With colleges beginning their academic year, the NCAA was looking for a sport they could put their trust into. After all, in the past year two Division-I coaches were involved in major controversies, with John Calipari lying about a player's eligibility and Rick Pitino violating restaurant health codes. And one of the nation's most recognizable football programs - Michigan - was facing accusations of mistreating its student athletes.
So in response, the NCAA turned to the one pure sport it had left: Beer Pong.
By making Beer Pong an NCAA-sanctioned sport, new doors are being opened left and right for student-athletes and the Universities. With players policing themselves, there was no controversy from slimy coaches. With its simple rules and fun atmosphere, schools could save money on uniforms and arenas while still drawing crowds to the house party. And of course, the Beer sponsorships went through the roof and brought the schools even more money.
The only controversies that remained were whether a player's cup was filled high enough. Hardly something for Yahoo Sports to make a big deal out of."
Finally, a line is drawn in the sand with press conferences
"The trend had become popular: whenever disparaging facts were revealed by the media, a coach would call a press conference and read a speech about how everyone else was lying. No questions would be allowed from the press, only a written statement from a coach in which only one viewpoint is allowed. This made things very easy, PR-wise, because coached could use those press conferences to spin the topic whichever way they wanted. Whether they used crying, yelling, or references to 9/11 were optional (and highly irrelevant).
So the media banded together and made a decision: If they wanted the coach's side of a story, they would get it by asking questions and getting interviews, not by being lectured with a prepared statement.
So when the next controversy-addled coach approached the podium to try to spin his situation, he was shocked by the scene:
No one had shown up."
Fall sports, the most wonderful time of the year
"You can feel it in the air. The leaves are falling, it's getting colder, and sports fans everywhere are gearing up for the most exciting season in the sports calendar year.
It was a long summer, but now that's finally over. At long last, fans will finally get what they've been craving for months.
College soccer is back."
My unemployment continues
(By hook or by crook, I'm getting a job.)
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