Five columns I won't be writing in August

Vick, Lions spell Bad Newz for opponents
"They've seemed to be world apart, separated by geography and circumstance. But in reality, Michael Vick and the Detroit Lions had more in common than you might have thought.

The city of Detroit suffered through some of its hardest times in the past year. The auto industry stood on the brink, and the economy plunged the city into a level of darkness some thought it would never get out of. Unemployment rates went sky high, and families were wondering whether or not Mom and Dad would still be able to put food on the table.

Vick went through some of his toughest times in the past year. Working for pennies a day in prison, he hardly had enough money to buy a lap dance at the strip club upon release. He often questioned whether he could ever have a lavish lifestyle again.

But fate brought these two together: a city who went through economic disaster, and a quarterback whose struggles equaled those of his new town's."

Red Sox turn 'fair trades' off, officially acquire everybody
"It's a well-known fact that in certain baseball video games, if the 'fair trade' option is turned off, the user can trade for any high-profile player in the league, just so long as the positions match.

A lesser-known secret it that this also exists in real-life MLB, and the Red Sox found the button.

But just because Boston has acquired Adam LaRoche, Matt Holiday, Roy Halladay, Chase Utley, Tim Lincecum, Joe Mauer, Albert Pujols, Justin Verlander, Ichiro and Evan Longoria, don't think they're done quite yet."

Brett Favre stays quietly retired
"As he watched ESPN's latest news cycle roll by, Brett Favre realized there was a chance that there might not be any mention of him at all during the preseason. So he decided to bust out the big guns: he whispered to Peter King that he was 'possibly considering thinking about becoming interested in playing for the Bears.'

And just like that, off we went again on the Favre carousel."

Pendergraph, or Pendergraft?
"OK, Kevin Pritchard screwed up. Anyone can make mistakes. My question is, can we please move on from it?

On draft night 2009, Pritchard wanted to select Arizona State forward Jeff Pendergraph with the Blazers' pick in the second round. But a week later, at the practice facility, instead of a bruising, towering forward, in walks a nondescript, short redhead.

Apparently, Pritchard mispelled Pendergraph's name on his draft selection sheet, and accidentally took former Gonzaga forward David Pendergraft.

But is this really such a bad move? We've seen how Brian Scalabrine contributed to the 2008 NBA champion Boston Celtics, maybe Pendergraft can give the Blazers the same thing.

Personally, I think Pritchard may have actually planned it all along."

Ken Griffey Jr. named to 2003 steroids list
(Like I said, these are columns I won't be writing)

Yet another steroids column, yet another plea for perspective

I am sick of writing columns about steroids.

I've been doing it at least once a year since my junior year of high school. There always seems to be a "new" breaking story about how so-and-so used steroids, or how someone was accused by another player, or how someone got suspended for an undisclosed substance. And every time, it brings on an onslaught of the same, tired columns from writers around the country, myself included.

Now, the news is that Manny Ramirez and David Ortiz both tested positive for performance-enhancing drugs in 2003. That's the same test that Alex Rodriguez and Sammy Sosa tested positive in. Oh, and in case you forgot, that test was supposed to be anonymous.

Steroids weren't totally outlawed in 2003; the testing was supposed to be an anonymous gauge on how widespread the use was, in order to determine the right course of action.

But instead of focusing on the real issue at hand, once again the media starts up the witch hunt, as if something that happened six years ago has any relevance today.

No, the real issue is the fact that Major League Baseball is willing to put more credence in six-year-old test results than to face the problem in the present.

Yes, six years ago certain players tested positive for PEDs.

...so what?

How is that even important? They were using substances that weren't yet banned, and before strict testing policies even took place. Under the rules of the time, they weren't cheating.

Here's what's not being asked: did these same players test positive after 2003, when the substances were banned and stricter testing policies were enacted? That's what's really important - whether they broke the rules after the rules were created. Making criminals out of players for using steroids before steroids were banned makes about as much sense as putting a prohibition-era bootlegger behind bars in 2009.

The past is the past. Why crucify these players now?

Meanwhile, "lawyers with knowledge of the tests" continue to leak the results to the media every few months, thereby assuring a regular media frenzy. Why are no media outlets holding these sources accountable for these leaks? Last I checked, those results were supposed to be anonymous.

If the media wanted to tell the right story, they should be following up these leaks with stories on how these results got out in the first place, how the Players' Union is reacting, and who these people are who keep revealing this sensitive information. Those stories would actually be relevent for people to know.

But stories like that would put an end to these steroid leaks, and therefore slow down sales and page hits. It's not worth it for the media outlets to expose their sources for the sake of truth, because then the sensational, money-making stories would stop.

If only some media outlet would have the guts to dig for the truth in this story. If only some magazine or newspaper or blog would do what was necessary to ensure the story was fair and accurate.

Maybe then we would have a steroids column that actually meant something.

Settling the debate once and for all with fictional sports teams

One of my favorite Web sites is What If Sports, where you can pick any team from any year in any of the major sports and pit them against each other in a simulated matchup.

You can send out the Murderer's Row 1927 Yankees against the 2001 Detroit Tigers and see just how one-sided the score will be. You can match Shaq's 2000 Lakers championship team against the 1996, 72-win Chicago Bulls. Any team, any era, and you can see how it would all play out with a generated play-by-play and box score.

I recently had the 1991 Portland Trail Blazers face off against the 2000 Los Angeles Lakers, at the Staples Center, in order to see if the most talented Blazer team of all-time could get revenge on the heartbreak Portland suffered from the 2000 Western Conference Finals.

Final Score: Blazers 112, Lakers 109.

The Blazers trailed heading into the 4th quarter, got got a balanced attack from Terry Porter, Cliff Robinson, and Danny Ainge to pull out the win. Seven Blazers scored in double figures, led by Porter's 23 points.

But as fun as the site is, I wanted to take it a step further. Sure, it's exciting to take classic teams from different eras and see how they'd perform against one another, but most of the science behind the concept is only based on statistics. I want to create a sports simulation that is based solely on pure speculation. No hard facts, no stat sheets, no PER.

Impossible to do with sports teams, you say? I totally agree. That's why we cut out the "factual" aspects of sports and go straight to the only avenue that will work: movie sports teams.

Welcome to the World Championships of Fictional Sports Teams!

We're going to take the teams from various movies and have them face off. Let's see the Indians from "Major League" go up against the Angels from "Angels in the Outfield," with or without divine intervention. How about Nick Nolte's "Blue Chips" against the Whoopi Goldberg-coached Knicks from "Eddie?" The cocaine-addicted Sharks from "Any Given Sunday" vs the Convicts from the original "Longest Yard?"

And the best part of all? It's anyone's game. There are no real stats to fall back on, only generalized ideas of how well certain players would have done in that season, based on what was said in the movie. There's no historical data, only arguments from each fan based on any wild speculation.

For example, you could reasonably infer that Pedro Ceranno hit 40 home runs, but also struck out 170 times, and had an awful on-base percentage. You could also venture a guess that Teen Wolf had to average nearly 50 points a game to keep his team in contention, based on the lack of talent showcased around him in the movie.

So here's the plan:
1. We're going to create three divisions (baseball, basketball, and football) and send out eight teams in each bracket.
2. Once those teams are matched up, it will be based on reader arguments whether or not the team will advance.
3. Again, the arguments can come from anywhere; maybe God abandons the Angels right before the big game, forcing them to use their own talent (and again, you must argue as to why it will happen).
4. The most compelling/entertaining/highest number or reader arguments one way or another will help the tea advance to the next round. It isn't enough to just vote one way or another, you have to say why.
5. As wild as the arguments can be, they must also be based on what can be seen in the movie. Roy Hobbs was a great hitter, but he never seemed to have any help in the lineup. The T.C. Williams Titans from "Remember the Titans" never ran the ball. Ever. Things like that need to be factored in.
6. Standard rules of the sports apply. If the team was known for cheating, the refs will see it. Sorry Toon Squad, you risk fouling out if you drop too many anvils.
7. Unless a very strong argument is made, teams from TV shows and books will not be considered.
8. Also, please limit the choices to fictional teams that were made up for the movie. The only exception is in the football bracket, because most of the best football movies were based on real teams. So Pride of the Yankees is out, but Friday Night Lights is OK.

Before the brackets can be made, we need to settle on the teams involved. Feel free to e-mail me your suggestions (stevensandberg@hotmail.com), along with arguments as to why they should be included. Don't just send me names of movies, I've already done enough research like that. Send me your team, plus some sort of analysis as to what makes them run, their strengths and weaknesses, and any wild card aspects.

Once the brackets are made, we'll run the tournament! Baseball will be first, followed by basketball and football. But it starts with you. Again, send me your suggestions of teams to include in each bracket, and we can go from there.

I'll see if I can arrange Bob Costas and Ranch Wilder to host the opening ceremonies.

In which we surgically weld Steve Blake and Andre Miller into one decent point guard

With the Blazers' recent signing of Andre Miller, I caught up with The Ex-Call Taker's Kevin O'Brien and suggested that the Blazers cybernetically combine Miller and incumbent point guard Steve Blake into one competent point guard.

"Andre Blake? Sounds like an English soccer star," he said. "Steve Miller? Sounds like a white comedian."

(That's why I love the guy.)

Sure, it was a joke, but both Miller and Blake have traits that, if they were combined, would equal the perfect point guard for the Blazers. Blake is a great shooter who can knock down the open 3-pointer, and can run the pick and roll. Miller is bigger, can rebound, and works well in the paint either posting up opposing guards or creating in traffic.

Instead, we're left with the reality - the two men are separate, each with their own pros and cons attached. Now the question is how to make it work.

Miller, for all his skills, needs to have the ball in his hands to contribute, because he's an awful 3-point shooter. The problem is, the Blazers already have a player who excels at having the ball in his hands, and his name is Brandon Roy (perhaps you've heard of him). Roy is not a spot up shooter, he makes his money by driving to the hoop and working off the dribble.

But Blake also has some glaring weaknesses exposed this season. He's about as flimsy as a paper clip, and can't drive to the rim without seeing visions of terrible hospital bills. That means that Roy is the only Blazer starter who is able to drive to the hoop, with the rest of the team standing on the perimeter watching, Blake included. Teams capitalize on this, which forces too many forced shots on the part of Portland. And of course, Blake also plays defense like a screen door. JJ Barea was even making him look foolish.

Yikes.

So yes, there are kinks to be worked out, but I still like the Miller signing. He's one of the smartest point guards in the league, and the Blazers got him on the cheap. He's had experience running the show in systems that have already featured talented scoring swingmen (Carmelo Anthony, Andre Iguodala) and has proven he can contribute without needing to shoot from the outside. Best of all, Miller likes to run, which works well with a young team that struggled in the halfcourt as much as the Blazers did.

Blake, in turn, would be a great backup. Providing the second unit with an experienced guard who can get the ball to the right places, and a steady hand to keep things from coming apart.

Of course, if the option arose, I would be all for the experimental surgery to combine Miller and Blake into the ultimate Blazer point guard. If the technology is available, we must seek it out!

Although, knowing my luck, what we'll be left with could be a slow, aging point guard who has the green light to shoot 3's but can't make any, has the body to post up but is scared to, and plays defense like kid wearing jeans in a pickup game.

Ok, on second thought...

OK, let's try this again

Andre Miller is a Portland Trail Blazer.

"Good signing, significant move, hitting on 16, blah blah blah," I'm just praying that this doesn't turn out like when I wrote the column on Hedo Turkoglu signing with the Blazers. I hope that the mere posting of this doesn't mean Miller will come out and announce that he's actually signing a 5-year deal with the Vermont Frost Heaves of the ABA.