A conduct code violation

The following is an open letter from the presidents of Guard University.

We here at Guard U have always enjoyed a certain level of ... consistency.

Dating back to the days of yore when this University was founded, the "Santangelo era" as we call it, we've always held ourselves to a certain standard. The Guard U Code of Conduct and Mission Statement adopted after the events of March 1999 were meant to ensure that all future generations at Guard U will not dare deviate from this established, consistent norm. After all, we were finally successful, and to maintain that success we adopted the Code of Conduct.

It reads: "All those who proudly don the Guard U colors hereby will forever wind the shot clock down, forever deter motion on offense, and forever allow the dribble penetration of one stand for the play of many." Don't mess with success.

However, it seems that the new class entering our ranks this year is choosing not to take that mission statement to heart. This letter is meant to ask those involved to cease and desist with their unusual actions.

To us here at Guard U, this is truly disappointing, but it's not like we didn't see this coming. That long-haired counter-culture advocate Adam Morrison started this trend a few years ago, claiming that life existed inside the three-point line and that it should be explored by slashers and big men. Naturally, this claim was dismissed, and last year we returned to our normal core curriculum.

Now this year's team seems to be taking up that foolish cause yet again. It seems to be headed by Jeremy Pargo, and his focus on athleticism over the usual stability has corrupted the minds of young men who follow him, like Austin Daye, Steven Gray and Larry Gurganious. They've moved away from the mission statement.

We've always expected our students to adhere to a strict regimen of halfcourt sets, perimeter passing and slow offense. But now, we're seeing something different. Cutting? Slashing? Those things are usually seen in a horror movie, not on a Gonzaga basketball court.

These bad apples have influenced other players as well with their deviating ways. The team's big men now think that they can do more besides grab rebounds and hand off to the guards. They think that they can post up, dish to cutters and throw outlet passes.

Here at Guard U, we take our image very seriously, and this corruption into athletic, energized play must stop immediately.

We on the board just can't take it anymore. We long for the sound of shot clock buzzers over the current sounds of rim-rattling and Kennel shaking.

Anything different truly frightens us. When we miraculously made the Elite Eight in 1999, we decided then and there to maintain that same level. We knew what methods worked, and any deviation from those methods could have resulted in not achieving that same level of success again.

We wanted to stay safe.

Risk is not something we here at Guard U like to dabble in. We don't want to even think of changing our institution, even if some believe that the reward would be greater than we have ever seen. Our courage isn't strong enough; we don't want to risk forfeiting our consistency.

Therefore, we strongly urge this year's team to attempt to keep things safe, normal ... and consistent. After all, with this newfound energy, excitement and athleticism, who knows what could end up happening to us?