-MODERATOR: It's been two years of speculation. Two years of waiting. Two years of making the necessary transactions and possibly mortgaging the future of your franchise, but it's all led up to this moment.
Tonight, the wait is over.
We have waited patiently, eagerly grabbing at every morsel thrown our way. Now, we will finally be blessed with the privilege to hear the answer we've all been waiting for. Even the eventual return of Jesus Christ pales in comparison to this highly anticipated moment:
Where will Adam Morrison play basketball next year?
That decision will be made tonight - LIVE on the only station with enough clout to handle such a huge, momentous event in television history - Gonzaga University Television, GUTV.
Now, without further ado, here is the man of the hour - Mr. Adam Morrison!!!
(camera pans to Morrison sitting in front of a backdrop of downtown Spokane)
-MORRISON: Hello, and thank you all for coming.
First off, I want to address a rumor that's been going around the Internet saying that my teammate Jordan Farmar was sleeping with my mom. That's not true. It was only dry-humping. Moving on...
Before we begin, I want to thank GUTV for helping to air this press conference. Thank you for the opportunity and for sacrificing a day's worth of real reporting just to make a cheap buck.
There has been a lot of speculation as to who I will sign with, and it's been a very difficult decision. I mean, some teams have offered to put my face on every billboard in town, others want to give me my own TV show, and one wanted to give me my own private locker room with mirrors on every wall so I can see my reflection every day. I mean, how am I supposed to choose?
But this day has been a long time coming. Sure, I was the one who was delaying it, but whatever, I'm Adam Morrison, damn it...
But in that time, teams have been scrambling to clear the necessary cap space for the Veteran's Minimum Salary to sign me. Teams have given up years of winning and spat on their fans just because of the promise of luring me in this summer. I can't even begin to tell you how it feels to the the subject of such adoration.
...(sniff)...Sorry, I told myself I wasn't going to cry.
Anyhoo, when the Lakers offered me an extension - which I assure you, they did - I hemmed and hawed, and said that I ultimately wanted to wait to make my decision. I am grateful to the Laker organization for giving me an opportunity when no one else would, and helping me become the superstar I am today. Out of that respect, I am making a mockery of their loyalty on national TV. Again, read the nametag.
There were rumors that I would return to Charlotte where I began my career. There were rumors that I would head to the bright lights of the Basketball Mecca of Salt Lake City to play with the Jazz. There have also been rumors that I have been secretly plotting with JJ Redick and Sheldon Williams to form a super-team in Toronto.
But I realize that no matter what decision I make, people will be upset. I either publicly break up with the city that loves me in Los Angeles, or I piss off the entire nation by stringing people along for two years. I lose any way I go in this situation.
But this is about ME. My happiness, my life, my ego.
It's time to put up for shut up.
Today, I, Adam Morrison, am officially announcing that I will be joining ... The Vermont Frost Heaves of the Premier Basketball League.
I will now hold for your applause, and the Twitter overload that is about to occur...
...
...
...
...thank you.
To milk this even further, I officially announce WHAT POSITION I WILL PLAY at a press conference in September. That will also air on GUTV, sponsored by Apple Jacks (takes bite of cereal).
-(Inaudible question from reporter)
-MORRISON: Does this make me a prostitute? Maybe. But you never told me to stop. If you didn't like how I was handling this, why didn't you speak up and tell me to stop? That's right, because I'm a 2-time NBA Champion. So you all can suck it.
That's right, 2-time NBA Champion. That's why you're here, right? Because of my accomplishments? To report on someone who has made a quantifiable impact on basketball?
See, I know there's one other press conference going on today, but I know you're watching my press conference instead. I'm the one you want.
Because I have 2 rings.
What does that other guy have?
Has he even won a game in the finals? TWO RINGS BABY. My towel-waving and high-fiving were more effective than his jump shot.
You just don't want to admit it, but being here, listening to me, actually makes more sense.
As crazy as it sounds, right now, based on everything I've done, I, Adam Morrison, am more deserving of worship and constant adulation than LeBron James.
So I'd like to conclude this press conference with a statement to everyone out there who followed my every move:
You're welcome.
